Going back to when we got married, so I will tell you, my husband and I met in 2005, he was turning 21 and I was turning 18, we met in a gas station, where he worked. He had a job I had a car and well..some money. We met, I fell in love with him the second I saw him, I was fresh out of...well I guess a relationship, maybe, I dont know. He was not much of a boyfriend, I didn't care too much. Then I met my now husband, I was still living with my mom, who I'll be honest was a bit of a drinker and did not treat me very well, nor did her husband. So I was looking for a way out. A  couple months into talking and hanging out, we were together. 2 months in, I made my first mistake, then I found out I was pregnant.  I knew it was one of two. I was almost sure it was my boyfriends (now husband.) During my pregnancy we were on off a couple times, then I had my daughter, at just barely 18 years old. Here I was in the hospital, Still a kid, having a kid. He signed her birth certificate, gave her his last name,  we both knew when she was born, she wasnt his, but he stepped up. I loved him, more than anything, it took us a little while, I got married, never lived with the guy, moved from Florida to washington state a couple times, but we finally made our way back to each other, he found me in an apartment in a less ideal situation. He saved me, again. We have been together for good ever since.  With a lot of troubles, infidelity on my part several times, lying, porn, talking to other people on both our parts, but here we are, all those years we tried to go to church, he did and i couldnt do it. Thats where my infidelity came in, I could never figure out why I did it. I was unfaithful, lying all the time, couldnt stand him half the time, but couldnt leave. I didnt work, only in 2021 did I really start working steadily, he supported me and our kids with no help from me. He stayed. We both did things that we arent proud of, that we did to each other, to God. Last year the drugs, brought us together, we thought. It opened me up more than I ever had before, I was able to talk to him about things, BUT we were messed up, constantly high, ignoring our kids, not paying our bills. Just awful. We hated each other at some points, not wanting to leave because of the kids, our relationship was horrible. We got married the year OUR first daughter was born, 2008, my second daughter. Our marriage was not God filled or centered and you could tell. Nothing went good, we always had trouble and issues, deep down there was something there, there was love but it wasnt a Godly love, or a good love. It was a forced love because we had kids together. There was fighting all the time, verbal, sometimes physical. I was an awful wife and mother to something God gave me, I was not treating my family the way I should have. It took 20 years, but the second we allowed God back into our lives, and loved God, he was able to really forgive me for hurting him, for cheating, for telling other people In loved them, for lying, even though he made the choice to stay he never truly forgave me. January 2025, God forgave him for all his sins, and so in turn he forgave me, God forgave me for all my sins, in turn I forgave him truly. January 2025 our lives started with God centered and filled.

2024 was the year I thought was going to be it for me, and my marriage, so much had happened prior to 2024 that I felt I was just ready to give up, then she died. My whole world collapsed in front of me; I could no longer call and talk to her or tell her about the things going on. A few weeks later, after her service, a trip to Pennsylvania, watching them place her in the ground, I discovered a drug that made me happy, opened me up to things I never had thought of before, things that I learned could possibly fix my marriage as well. So not only could I feel numb and not feel these emotions that I did not want to feel, but I could also fix my terrible broken marriage. Yes! Sign me up. Every weekend, Friday and Saturday night, up all weekend no sleep, having a beautiful time with my husband. I had not felt so alive, so free of everything. Several months went by, my birthday passed, here comes his birthday. Let's do something else, he had been bugging me a while, no, no, no I knew, I just knew what would happen. Yes, it sure did, we did something else, yes hook, line and sinker. This was my downfall, I realized several months in, I was hooked. By the end of 2024, I realized what a mistake I had made. Behind on all my bills, no food, up for days on end, working 40 hours a week on barely any sleep. Then I went on lunch one day, laid down for 30 minutes, next thing I know its 4:30. Time to clock out. I messed up. I did this 17 years ago and knew what it was for me then. I swore I would never touch it again. But I did. I only had a few months with it, yet I will deal with the repercussions it caused for much longer. I should have died several times, I still could be looking at potential health problems, The Good Lord was with us both, knowing we would get to where we are today.

2024 Did a lot of damage to not only me, but my health. I have had a lot of years I can look back on and say, yeah that year changed me, or yeah, I did a lot that year. I can confidently say 2024 was IT, 2024 was THE year I had sunk to an all-time low, and instead of looking to God, I looked to drugs, I didn't even have access to them, but Infront me of, yeah, I wanted to feel numb, I did not want to feel what I was feeling. Soon as I realized, I couldn't feel, it was on. I opened up more than I realize but felt nothing. At the time, I thought this was also a way to fix my broken marriage, I wanted to save my marriage. It worked for a time, we opened up, we loved each other like never before, then we went on to harder things, and it got worse. Not only was I numb, but now I hated my life, things were getting violent, verbally, things were being said, I couldn't take back, I couldn't not hear again. Things I very well thought, I wanted to walk out on, I couldn't handle it, but I couldn't stop either. It had a hold of me, Satan had a hold of me, and it was almost too late. Everyday more and more, ignoring my bills that were due, ignoring my kids, food. I let it all go.

I grew up in a broken home, a broken family, broken parents, I was given away into this. I lost the only man I thought loved me at a young age.  Little did I know Jesus had a plan for me. It started with my birth. He knew my plan before me, he knew the kids I would have, the men I would marry, before I did. He knew what I would do before I did, He set my life up so parallel to the person he had matched up for me, it could not have been a better match, it took 20 years of mental, emotional, verbal and some physical abuse, to get where we are. It was a road most would not have gone down or looked at. We hurt each other, lied to each other, deceived each other, all in front of our kids. I did, I turned into exactly who I said I never would. But He had a plan.